Jameson recently sent me this ranting email, which I've abbreviated for the sake of this article. Please note by his capitalization just how strongly he feels about this topic:
Your about.com on etiquette purports to define the meaning of RSVP by translating it. You write that the phrase "Respondez s'il vous plait" means "Please respond."
It ABSOLUTELY does NOT mean that. The TRUE translation of the phrase is "Respond if it pleases YOU." Look it up.
It is this mistranslation of the classic French phrase that leads to your distortions of traditional ettiquette. BY DEFINITION, the phrases RSVP means that IF IT DOES NOT PLEASE the invitee to respond, the invitee is NOT expected to do so. The French – and all those of us in Europe who have followed that tradition – well understand that a LACK of a response indicates a lack of interest in attending an event, and the only breach of etiquette occcurs when one attends an event to which one did not RSVP. For this reason, the CLASSIC rule of ettiquette is INDEED to respond only if you wish to do so.
Moreover, since your essay purports to be sensitive to "rudeness," you would better serve the public by letting "party planners" know that technology such as EVITE has NOT rewritten the rules of etiquette. You may think that it only takes a few seconds to respond to one's evite, but that egocentric approach shows an utter lack of consideration for how overwhelmed your invitees may be by life. Adding pressure to that life by expecting a response is hardly considerate.
Classic ettiqute shows TRUE consideration of others, including understanding that someone may be overwhelmed by work or other burdens of life, and a party planner's "event" – especially if it is a MERE party – does not mean that someone is in breach of etiquette if they have not fed the planner's ego in believing that she is special because she has chosen to throw a party.
Hmm, strong words from this reader. And while "s'il vous plait" literally translates to "if it pleases you", that is the French expression for the simple "please." I wonder if the rules are truly different in Europe, but I stand by my definition of the classic rules in America as I've stated before, and as written decades ago in Emily Post's "Etiquette". I suppose the bigger question is whether times have changed, and the rules are rewriting themselves based on current behavior, as expressed in this email I received from John :
In your column about the Meaning of R.S.V.P. you state categorically that it means you should respond, whether or not you are coming. Certainly that is what I learned some 50 or 60 years ago.
But times change, and the language changes. And nowadays, I receive dozens of invitations to events, and from educated... young folks, and when I have written to say that I couldn't make it, they would invariably explain, politely, that they only expected to hear back from the people who were coming.
So, while you may be right that, once upon a time, RSVP meant "Répondez s'il vous plaît" whether or not you are coming, today it means "Let me know if, and only if, you're coming".
Prescriptions may work for doctors, but in the matter of language, "prescriptive grammar" (like trying to change a meaning back to something it once was) is like putting your finger in the proverbial dike. You can't stop a change that has happened. And this one has happened. So, take a deep breath.
Finally, whatever the rules are, it still continues to cause frustration to party planners who really would like a firm understanding of how many guests to expect at their parties as Nancy writes in this comment on an earlier blog post on the topic:
It doesn't matter the age of those invited to the party, people who were never taught that it is proper manners to respond promptly to an invitation will not do so. Very aggravating. I put an RSVP deadline on all invitations, and one day before it, start my "shaming calls". Because I do throw some large parties, I have had a few where the invitations did not make it, for any number of reasons, so therefore, I was glad I phoned. Yes, some people are not nice when they get the shaming call, and I resist the temptation to apologize for burdening them with an invitation to a party, and strike them from any future list. Of course, this doesn't work well with children's parties because I don't want to punish that child and mine, for an adult's bad behavior.
