Gift buying can be a treacherous activity. Make the wrong choices and you risk sending an unintended message to the recipient. Or, in an overzealous effort to tell someone just how much she is appreciated, you spend way over your budget and literally end up paying for your mistake for months. At least, that's how I have always felt about the challenge of choosing just the right gift.
Luckily, for some people choosing the right gift is as easy as breathing. Gift-giving expert Leah Ingram loves purchasing gifts so much that she authored a book on the subject titled "You Shouldn't Have!" She was willing to answer some tough gift-buying questions that my friends and I have wrestled with over the years.
Entertaining Guide: What do you do when someone gives you a gift and you're not prepared with a reciprocal gift?
Leah Ingram: I don't believe that giving gifts always has to be a quid pro quo arrangement. If someone gives you a gift and you don't have anything in return, thank the person for his generosity verbally when you receive the gift and then write a thank you note soon thereafter.
Entertaining Guide: I know you recommend in your book that people build up a "closet" of gifts. But for someone who isn't that organized and needs to run out at the last minute, what would be the least expensive hostess gift that delivers the biggest bang?
Leah Ingram: I think that if you have a well known and respected bakery in your town, buy a fabulous dessert from that shop. Or if there's a terrific confectionery nearby, get a dozen truffles and bring them with you. As far as I'm concerned, you can't go wrong with sweets--even though you bought them at the last minute.
Entertaining Guide: If someone is invited to a holiday open-house party, what budget should they set for the hostess gift? I know the old saying is "it's the thought that counts," but we all know those people who keep a tally.
Leah Ingram: I don't believe in "gifting-up"--a phrase I've coined to describe the trap we sometimes allow ourselves to fall into where we buy based on the recipient's expectations as opposed to our well-meaning intentions. I don't believe anyone should ever match a gift to the recipient's household income or, as I said, her expectations. Give what feels comfortable and what you think she will enjoy. For example, we recently visited Colonial Williamsburg where the gift shops sold insulated pot pads (think cloth trivets) filled with cloves and spices. When they heat up from the pot, they give off a terrific scent. I fell in love with this item and bought a shopping bag full for holiday and hostess gifts. They cost $14 apiece, but that's not what matters to me. They're a unique item that I think people will enjoy. Who cares what I paid for them!
Entertaining Guide: What is the biggest gift-giving mistake people make?
Leah Ingram: Trying to reinvent the wheel with each gift they give. Did you know that the average American gives 47 gifts each year? That's why I don't think people should drive themselves crazy trying to come up with unique gifts each time they must buy one. You can give what has worked in the past, such as a gift certificate to a favorite store, or slight variations on a theme. For example, my mother is a big bird watcher, so every time I give her a gift, it usually revolves around her bird-watching hobby. One year I gave her a squirrel-proof bird feeder. Another year, I gave her an Audubon Society book on birds. If you think about a person's hobbies or what he likes to do in his free time, usually you can come up with gifts related to that hobby that you can feel sure will be loved and appreciated.
Entertaining Guide: What gifts do you recommend giving to your hostess for a weekend visit?
Leah Ingram: I think you should buy a thank-you gift based on habits or hobbies you observed while staying at this person's house. We recently stayed with friends who, I discovered, are coffee aficionados like I am. As a thank you gift, I sent them a bag of gourmet coffee beans and four colorful hand painted mugs. I think the whole thing cost me $40 but I wasn't choosing based on price --rather, I selected a gift that the recipient will enjoy and appreciate. I think that's the way to go.
Entertaining Guide: If you've been exchanging holiday gifts with friends for years, and they don't give to you one year, how would you interpret that?
Leah Ingram: This is a tough one. This is what I suggest in "You Shouldn't Have!" about what to do when you reach a gift-giving crossroads in a friendship. If one year passes and you give a gift but don't receive one in return, then the next year, send a gift again to see what happens. If that person doesn't reciprocate again, then I think that person is subtly trying to tell you that she isn't interested in exchanging gifts anymore, and I don't think that you should continue to bust your budget to buy for them. Scale back to an annual holiday greeting and, if in time the person stops sending you a greeting as well, cross her completely off your holiday list. That's tough sometimes to do, but you've got to understand that friendships ebb and flow, and this is only natural.
Entertaining Guide: As you mention in your book, the holidays are a very stressful gift giving time because, among other reasons, people are giving gifts that may be seen by a crowd. What gift can grandparents on a very tight budget give to a grade school age child, when the other set of grandparents always shower the child with luxury gifts? How can this grandparent compete without feeling terrible?
Leah Ingram: I think that grandparents can easily throw together a fun gift for their grandkids by thinking "arts and crafts." Some of the most used and loved gifts my daughters have received at birthdays and holidays came from office supply stores and probably cost the gift giver less than $30. They've included finger paints, big pads of paper, rubber stamps, markers and other kinds of art supplies. Remember: kids like to do things and gifts that use their imagination are always well received. Plus, arts and crafts supplies are affordable and just buying a few and packaging them together can create an eye-popping gift that looks substantial.
Entertaining Guide: What are the best gifts for teachers at the holidays? Do you recommend the classic "favorite teacher" mugs and pencil holders, or something else?
Leah Ingram: Noooooooo! Have you ever looked around a teacher's classroom and noticed all the knick-knacks he or she has on bookshelves, desks and walls? I'm sure many are gifts from holiday's past.
I like to give gifts to teachers that allow indulgences, albeit small ones. Last year, some of my teacher gifts included a box of chocolates, a gift certificate to a local bookstore, and a gift certificate for a manicure at a local spa. This year, I happened to overhear my daughter's preschool teacher raving about a local restaurant where she eats whenever she wants to treat herself, and so I'm going to buy her a gift certificate to the restaurant as her holiday present.
Entertaining Guide: What's the worst gift you've ever received?
Leah Ingram: I can't recall a terrible gift I've ever received, but I do recall receiving a gift I didn't like when I was younger. I told the gift giver just that--then demanded that he take it back. My mother reprimanded me something awful, and I learned a very important lesson at that time: when receiving gifts, no matter how horrendous, thank the person for his generosity and don't let on that you don't like the gift. Follow-up with a thank you note, and then do what you must with the awful gift--throw it out, return it to the store, or put it in the pile of future garage sale fodder. But always practice your poker face for when you open gifts. Remember: this person took the time to buy you something nice (or at least what he thinks is something nice). You owe him the courtesy of at least acting pleased upon the gift's receipt.
