RSVP - Is it Just the Term that Confuses People?
Wednesday April 9, 2008
Who thought invitations could be so controversial? I received more comments in my mail on the topic of how to get guests to respond to a request for an RSVP. I've decided to publish this post again because the last comment really caught my attention. Are people really that busy that they can't take the time to let a hostess know whether or not they can attend a party, and if they say yes, to show up?
Here's what one fellow wrote:
If you want to know if I am going to attend or not, ask me in English. I was recently [accused] of poor manners because I did not RSVP...because I didn't know what RSVP meant... No need to be cute on invitations...host could have easily asked in English to let her know if I could attend or not.
And yet, another woman writes:
This is a tremendous problem. After years of working with hostesses, I've learned that very few people actually understand what RSVP means. While using RSVP (or R.s.v.p. as the Crane's Blue Book suggests) is proper, another option that might be more easily understood is "Please Respond" or "Please Reply" by a certain date. It is helpful to add the deadline date, as that serves to get the guests' attention a little more than omitting it. Bottom line is that it is a next to impossible task to get proper responses!
Do you think guests would respond better to invitations if we dropped the letters and used words instead?
Here's what one fellow wrote:
If you want to know if I am going to attend or not, ask me in English. I was recently [accused] of poor manners because I did not RSVP...because I didn't know what RSVP meant... No need to be cute on invitations...host could have easily asked in English to let her know if I could attend or not.
And yet, another woman writes:
This is a tremendous problem. After years of working with hostesses, I've learned that very few people actually understand what RSVP means. While using RSVP (or R.s.v.p. as the Crane's Blue Book suggests) is proper, another option that might be more easily understood is "Please Respond" or "Please Reply" by a certain date. It is helpful to add the deadline date, as that serves to get the guests' attention a little more than omitting it. Bottom line is that it is a next to impossible task to get proper responses!
Do you think guests would respond better to invitations if we dropped the letters and used words instead?
Comments
I can’t believe that this topic has caused so much debate and I find it harder to believe that someone actually did not know what RSVP meant! I always thought it was common knowledge. I am often invited to work and social events and I always RSVP by the due date. It is just proper manners. However, I just finished organising my son’s birthday party and today is the due date and nobody has called me yet to say if they are coming or not. How am I supposed to plan for that? Am I supposed to assume everyone is coming and end up with wasted food and money if they don’t show up? Or do I assume they are not coming and risk having nothing planned for people who arrive unannounced. Its just plain rude.
Hi Kerree-
I’m as puzzled as you are, which is why I continue to post the questions and letters I receive on the topic. Your comment expresses very clearly the reason why it’s important to the host to receive a response either way.
Good luck with your son’t party. Since you don’t have any clue how many guests to expect, you may have to make phone calls which will be uncomfortable on both sides.
RSVP is not being cute. It is standard on any invitation. Obviously he/she doesnt recieve many (I can guess why) or perhaps has just been living under a rock. Besides all that, isnt it just polite to respond to any generous invitation – even if one doesnt know a response is required?
I’m on a mission to solve the RSVP dilemma for myself after hosting an event last night in which 10% of my guests showed. This was an event for a friend running for local office, and because I was inviting my personal circle of friends & neighbors, explained this was a relaxing evening with friends and did not mention fundraising at all – this was just to get the word out that my friend was running and not an attempt to hit up my friends. I invited 200 people and made the BIG mistake of doing “Regrets Only”. Apparently, people understand that even less than they understand RSVP. Based on the few people who I ran into who told me either yes or no as I asked them, and the few people who truly responded with their regrets, I still had not heard from 100 people (50 invites to couples) or so, so I thought 50% of those would be a reasonable assumption that might be coming since it was regrets only. Turns out it was 1% (yep, 1 person showed from those I hadn’t heard from.) There were about 12 people who said yes and no-showed. So there we were, 2 hours into the party and not one person showed except the candidate and his wife. How utterly embarrassing. Not to mention my caterer was making food for no one. Eventually, 20 people showed and we all had a great time, though my evening was overshadowed by this tremendous lack of courtesy. My husband and I were humiliated and angry. This lack of courtesy has got to stop. Some friends suggested it was because we lived up a curvy road or perhaps because it was ‘political’ in nature. To me, that has NOTHING to do with common courtesy to RSVP – if you don’t want to get political or don’t want to drive too far, offer your regrets. We readied our home, our yard, and made everything look beautiful, and had plenty of catered food, wine, and drinks, not to mention paid helpers that had nothing to do. We will be taking the people off our invite list who have done this to us twice. The rest, I will invite again, but I need a new approach. I am anxious to hear people’s ideas, outside of having to make multiple calls (especially for such a large invite list) or having to send multiple invites (is not the cost of the party itself enough without having to double or triple postage?) I also was not aware that people don’t understand RSVP…a word based in French that has become so part of our language as Kleenex is to tissue. I promise next time I will be very, very specific. In the meantime, we are going to have some FABULOUS appetizers tonight for leftovers.
Unfortunately, we live in a age where good manners have not only fallen by the wayside, they have fallen off the face of the earth! I, too, assumed most people knew what RSVP meant. My parents liked to entertain, so I was introduced to the concept at an early age. Of course, the fact that I took French in school and learned that it’s an abbreviation for “Respondez s’il vous plait” (literally “Respond please”) may have lead me astray.
None the less, I was shocked when people did not RSVP to our wedding, and even more shocked that people said they were coming, but didn’t — and never called to apologize or explain their absence. It was an expensive lesson.
I also learned the same hard lesson as a “befuddled hostess” and now I NEVER put “Regrets Only” on an invitation. That’s simply an invitation for disaster!
I currently have my own direct sales business that’s geared toward entertaining at home. Since my products are mainly sold through home parties, the issue of the RSVP (or lack thereof) is huge. No one wants to be embarrassed by hosting a party where no guests show up, but the truth is that few, if any, guests will call to let their host know if they are coming.
So what works best? A triple whammy. Invite guests personally, by phone or when you see them in person. This allows you to share your excitement about the event and lets your guest know that their presence is important to you. Follow up with a written invitation to those who said they could come. Then wrap it up with a reminder call a day or two before the event.
Yes, it takes more time and more effort. But the truth is, we are busier than ever. Most women work outside the home; work weeks have gotten longer; and kids are involved in far more activities than they were a generation ago. I’ve frequently run into people who were supposed to come to one of my parties a week or so after the event, and they often are embarrassed and apologetic. Most simply just got caught up in their day and forgot. So I’ve learned…most people love to be reminded!
To me, my call-mail-call method of inviting is worth the extra time and trouble. I want to know ahead of time how many guests will be coming so I won’t waste time or money preparing refreshments for people who don’t come. Since I know I can’t depend on anyone to call me, I just make it a habit to call them.
Oh…and as far as what I put on my invitations, I’ve gotten very good results with this: “Yes or no, please let us know!”
I, too, have had many parties where invited guests did not show up nor did they reply. On the other hand, I have found myself inviting people on the phone or in person, trying to sound “extra-friendly” and I perhaps did not stress enougn the importance of knowing their intentions to attend. Many young mothers that I know seem to expect everyone to understand how busy they are and that any invitation accepted is a “maybe” or “if I can make it.” They have no concept of calling the host, even at the last minute, to let them know one way or the other. I believe that RSVP on written invitations should be limited to formal events, but that a reply from the invitee is mandatory, no matter what the wording may be. Perhaps “Please reply” should be followed by a home phone number, a cell phone number, a work number, an address, and an “alternate” to emphasize the importance of a reply?
I agree that the “triple whammy” Kimberly suggests works well, but when facing a guest list of 200 it can be daunting and time-consuming. And I also agree that it is basic good manners to reply to ANY invitation, and basic rudeness not to reply – yea or nay.
This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves! It is nothing short of rude to let someone spend thier hard earned money, time and resorces on a party that is also very important to them on an emotional level (birthday, anniversary, wedding or other life changing moment).
We celebrate lifes important markers and invite family and friends to celebrate these moments.
If the person who recieves the invitation thinks thier busy, take a moment to think about how busy someone has been planning the party on top of any other of lifes responsibilies?
I love throwing parties and I take a lot of time planning them down to the last detail. I don’t think it’s too much to ask (or to do) to take a moment to send an email or make a call letting someone know if you can make it. Unless you were raised by wolves you should know anything less is just bad manners
If I don’t receive a response from an invite, I don’t include them in my next get together. Bad manners are inexcusable. No one is that busy in life for a quick reply.
Unfortunately, I think Befuddled Hostess’s experience is not unusual. And I had the same experience as Kimberly – people who RSVP’ed to our wedding but never showed up and never offered an explanation. Also, chasing down those last wedding invitation responders was difficult, and imagine my frustration when one person told me repeatedly, “I already told you, it depends on whether I’m in town that day.” As if I had asked him to drop in for chips and salsa in front of the TV. He never did give me a straight answer, and he didn’t show up.
Here’s another dilemma – when the guest wants to bring their entire extended family, and you weren’t counting on those extra people! I’m curious how people handle that. I’ve been on both ends of that situation, and it’s very awkward. (Even though the wedding invitation was addressed only to my parents, mother insisted, “Of course you’re invited!” I asked her to ask her friend whether I was invited, but she thought that would be too awkward, so I refused to go to the wedding without being specifically invited.)
I think “plain English” might help a small minority of people who don’t understand how to respond to an invitation, and nothing is going to stop some people from being inconsiderate. But for most guests, I think you just have to keep asking over and over, whether it’s a phone call or email. I think more and more, email is becoming an acceptable form of communication in many social situations (but *not* for thank you notes, or initial invitations to formal events!) and I think it helps with getting a high response rate.
When I receive RSVP on an invitation, it’s my intentions to call ahead and confirm that I’ll be attending. Then something get in the way of me doing that but I’ll go anyways. And when I get their I am looking for the Host/Hostess to apologize for not confirming RSVP (as it were), and no one knows that I didn’t make confirmation. SO WHAT’S THE POINT? Teri mention that RSVP was standard, and this is all the more reason it shouldn’t be standard. Having your guest to RSVP is because whatever you’re planning to do, maybe include paying for each head counted, or the space maybe limited, if this is the case, why not just say to your guest I really need you to call to RSVP? and give the reason why. And if they are truly guest they will totally understand and you’ll have more if not all your guest responding. Teri also made the statement if one didn’t know that RSVP stood for calling to let the person know you’ll be there, maybe he/she wasn’t being invited anywhere.
If, R S V P should be taken seriously then it should not be standard. I read that the abbreviation RSVP was a french Term which means confirming your invitation. But what I think is confusing is the abbreviation it self. When I see “BLVD” or “EST” “ETC” we know exactly what these abbrev are.
Unlike RSVP what is all of this, at least I don’t know what each here letter represent.
If someone out there really knows please tell Peaches.
Maybe it’s time we come up with a new Term we’ll all know and not assume what it is.
Thank you.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves as well! I had a “Sweet 16″ party for my daughter. I sent out “save the date” cards before school was out because she is a summer birthday. I followed that up with invitations 4 weeks before the party and asked guests to respond to 1 of 2 telephone numbers or an email address 10 days before the party. Of the 60 people invited, 15 actually called to let me know if they were coming or not. I had to assume that maybe 1/2 would show up. We had about 12. I will say that one child’s parent called to say they were coming and then when they didn’t get back from their vacation in time, they called again to let us know. Kudos to that parent! My child goes to a private school that prides itself on their well-mannered graduates. Ha!
It’s not just the teenagers either. My son’s birthday was 2 weeks later, just after school started. I sent his invitations to school and even put PLEASE in caps above RSVP because of my experience with my daughter’s party. Same result. Of the 80 children invited, only about 18 parents responded. We planned for about 1/3, but only had 14 show up. Granted we live out in the country, but an answer would have been nice.
Just last week, we had a political “watch party” for the presidential nominee’s speech. It was not a fundraiser of any kind and it was made clear. Yet, only about 10% responded.
It is simply a universal problem and I am really not sure what to do. It makes one think twice before ever hosting a party again.
Tamara-
You certainly are persistent! I really feel your pain with these parties. So much effort, so much waste. What a shame! How did your children take it with the lower than expected turnout to their parties? I think in the future you may just want to invite the closest friends who you know will come and forget the other rude people.
Putting it in plain English doesn’t matter a bit. They still don’t respond. I sent out about 60 invitations to my husband’s 60th birthday party. I said “Please respond by November 1st” and gave my home phone number and email address. This gave them a full two weeks to respond. This is November 3rd, and only about a dozen have responded, most of them verbally when I see them (which is better than no response at all)
Granted, this is a casual affair, not a catered sit-down dinner, but I still need to know whether to have refreshments for 20 or for 80 people.
Some people have said “I’m going to try, but I’m not sure” What’s up with that? To me that is saying “Well maybe, unless somthing more interesting comes along!”
When you receive an invitation you need to respond in a timely manner with a yes or a no. Not a maybe, and certainly not no response at all!