RSVP's, Out of Control?
"Have RSVP's gotten out of hand everywhere? Most invitations... in the past 10 years have RSVP's. Even the bring your own chair, wine and food gathering has worn RSVP's in this area. From the backyard birthday party to the latest in home "buy it" party...RSVP a blazing. I completely understand RSVP's for major event's where food, setting and occupancy is a concern...but somewhere along the way we seem to have taken a turn. What once was utilized out of necessity has become something of "control"...some people will attend a gathering because they hate to say "no" especially if they just want to stay home and spend time with the kids/spouse...once there they'll buy something because they feel obligated to the neighbor or friend. There was a time I was that person. It didn't take long to realize something was off track around here...now I just RSVP to ALL with a polite no thank you. No excuses!"
I still stand by my opinion that RSVP's are requested and should be respected because it helps the host or organizer to plan for the correct number of guests. I agree there might be a small element of manipulation involved with the home sales parties, but the hostess still needs to plan refreshments for those events. What do you think?
Comments
I recently invited 60 people (about 30 couples)to a sit down Italian feast. Of those, only 40 people responded leaving me to think that the others were not coming. Even people I work with did not have the courtesy to tell me,let alone respond by email,they would not be there. As I don’t believe in hounding people to see if they are coming, I never again will plan a party this large and have to worry that people who did not respond will actually show up.
I’ve hosted large holiday parties for years – and go to considerable expense to do so. Last year, evidently there was another party conflicting and people showed up to my party later.
“Later” as in after the buffet food had already been out for too long for safe consumption. I had splurged (my Christmas present to myself) on hundreds of dollars in seafood and prime meats. It was wasted and I was very disappointed.
Those who failed to give a common courtesy of a response will never again be invited back. And in my vast experience: it is those who pretend that the RSVP is not directed toward them that show up consistently empty handed and never thank the host. People who don’t RSVP act as if their presence is a honor for the host. Guess what — I’ve got better things to do with my time and money.
How very sad people are so selfish and do not respond. The host and hostess expend effort to have this event and need to have an idea of who will attend. We do alot of entertaining and face the same issues. We usually end up calling people in order to get a head count on food etc. Don’t mind if they don’t want ot attend just the courtesy of letting us know is important.
As a member of several women’s groups and leader of two, I believe RSVPs should be mandatory for any event. I think it is just RUDE for people not to advise the “party giver” whether they are coming – or not. The host or hostess should be able to plan appropriately for the number of attendees and not be surprised by non-responders and no-shows. If one cannot attend at the last minute (or chooses not to attend for some reason), the host should also be advised of this as soon as possible. Not at the last minute.
I definitely think an RSVP should be taken serious. I think it is an honor to be invited an the least one should do is take a moment to repond one way or the other. If you say “Yes” then go and if you say “No” dont show. I have had people respond one way or the other and then do the opposite. That’s very inconsiderate of the hosts time and expense.
I really don’t understand the objection to RSVPs. When is a head count not helpful to the host?! Do people really throw parties where food is not served? Even if it’s a potluck, the host has to plan seating, plates, napkins, drinks, etc. It seems the person who posted this complaint has never thrown a party, or they would understand the importance of knowing how many people will show up.
I’ve run into the problem of the “ambiguous yes”, when people say, “Oh, I’ll try to stop by.” I take that to mean, “I’ll come unless something better comes up.” Afterwards they defend not showing up by saying, “I said I’d TRY!” Rude, rude, rude.
But at least I’ve narrowed down my group of real friends.
This summer I planned/helped with three different functions. A bridal shower, bachelorette party, and a baby shower. At all of those parties every single one had to have follow up calls. The baby shower was large and I noticed the older generation DID respect the rsvp and called or emailed me. Anyone that was under the age of 27 did not. I am 50. I also have held a large 50th wedding anniversary party and out of 200 people, 189 DID rsvp, which confirmed in my mind it must be a age-generation thing. Another trend is people seem to BRING along guests that were NOT invited. This can wreck a catered event. I have narrowed my list to the people I KNOW will be respectful and rsvp in a timely manner. I figure if the guest can not respect my time, money and planning of an fun event, and fail to rsvp, then they no longer are on the future list of guests. Some people also do not rsvp because they ” hold” out for a potential better offer and leave their dates open.
They do not want to commit their time.
RSVP’s on children’s birthday parties are necessary to ensure we have enough Cup Cakes for all who attend (with parents and siblings) and to have enough of the “essential” Treat Bags for the little kids. I would rather not do treat bags, but once they are customary, I follow along. I put an RSVP so I can prepare just enough treat bags. Have extra made up is and unnecessary expense.
I write on the invitation RSVP only if you are attending by date….. ph…or address
Those who attend are forced to reply on time! I don’t give them an email address as some say’ they’ve emailed me’
I don’t believe I have ever been invited to an occasion where an rsvp is not necessary. As well, my husband and I host a pig roast the same Saturday every year and usually end up with around 100 people throughout the day. There is a great deal of preparation involved (even though quite a few of them bring a pot luck dish). We need to know how many guests to expect. A reply to an rsvp is nothing but common courtesy. If I don’t have a head count, how am I supposed to know how many plates, cups, cutlery, napkins to have on hand. Not to mention the salads that I have to prepare or how much corn on the cob to buy. There are a select few that don’t reply at all. They do not get an invite for the next year. Anyone – including that lady – is showing complete disrespect fot the host/hostess and does not deserve to be invited back.
I cannot believe the rudeness displayed by the “lady” who complains about RSVPs! I don’t believe the term “lady” applies, as a LADY would know, understand, and appreciate the necessity of RSVPs.
All of the previous comments regarding the need for an RSVP are right on target, and I don’t need to expound further on that. However, the sheer ARROGANCE of the complainer astounds me!
I agree with what seems to be the concensus of the comments… It’s only common courtesy to tell someone who has kindly invited you over for an evening that you can or can’t make it. Until I read that letter, I never even thought it could be an issue! I’m glad to know that this type of person simply RSVP’s no, because they will most likely not be the type I would like at one of my murder mystery games.
I think D hit the nail right on the head w/ this letter writer:
“It seems the person who posted this complaint has never thrown a party, or they would understand the importance of knowing how many people will show up.”
In fact, I bet this letter writer would resent the other basic rule of entertaining: If you attend someone’s party, YOU OWE THAT PERSON an invitation in return.
It’s called “reciprocating,” and few people do it anymore. They’re too selfish.
I am getting married 11-01-08 and am currently stuck in this dilema. I sent out around 60 RSPVs and have received 30 back. Today is the respond by date. I assume the others who received invitations must now be contacted to see if they are attending or not. I have limited seating and really need to know who is attending and who is not. Does anyone know if any certain person is responsible for the follow up? (ie. Bride and Groom, Mother, bridesmaid)
Kristen-
I don’t think there is an official etiquette rule on this situation – probably because when Emily Post wrote the rules, people had the manners to respond to invitations.
Obviously you need to know how many guests will be attending your wedding. My feeling is that any of the parties you mention could make the calls. If you mother and bridesmaid are willing and have the time, maybe they could help you with this task.
Congrats on your wedding and have fun regardless of this problem!
I’d like to present another view that nobody has mentioned. The RSVP tends to invoke feelings of guilt when you respond No to it, and many people may not respond simply because they don’t want to be grilled about why they cannot attend.
There are some people who are introverts and simply do not enjoy gatherings and public events and would rather avoid those scenes. It’s not done out of any dislike of the host/hostess, but rather the terrible unease, and in some cases, anxiety, that a social event can produce. How exactly does someone like that politely say No thank you, when they don’t really have an “excuse” for not attending (at least not one that an extrovert would understand)?
I used to plan and organize our company parties and of course had the same problem with people not RSVP’ing. I usually made nametags for all the ‘yes’ people and all the ‘haven’t heard from’ people. One year I only made nametage for the ‘yes’ people. It was especially gratifying when one of the ‘non rsvp-ers’ asked where his, his spouse, and his children’s nametags were, and I responded, “Oh, you never rsvp’d so I assumed you weren’t coming and I didn’t make nametags for you and your family.” Besides him getting a dirty look from his spouse, it was hard to keep from laughing, especially since he was an arrogant vice president of the company!
I couldn’t agree more with the vast majority of the writers above. I think TJ is right in simply not catering for the non- rsvp arrivees.Maybe do it this way- plan for repliers, the add a little more ffor a couple whom you knowe have genuinely forgotten and who are always inviting you places. There are of course some friends who we know are forgetful and I guess it’s each case on its merits, but plenty of people are just plain casual and they couldn’t care less, and they need to learn that if they show up having not confirmed, then , bad luck.
As for introverts who don’t know how to handle an RSVP so they avoid it altogether: well,even the shy among us understand the implications for the host/ess because at some point, we all ask people to something, or maybe we work in a business which relies upon people showing up (or phoning to apologise for inattendance)- so we actually all understand and should act accordingly- to do otherwise is to treat soem adults like children just because they’re shy.it’s no excuse.PLus, there is always some reason why people need to/want to say no- iontroverts dont get off scot free. Like I said earlier, there are those who genuinely forget and you can tell when they arrive that they are apologetic, but generally,take the stress off yourself and simply plan for the ones who you know are showing, you’ll have more fun.
My husband and I recently moved into a new condo and had been looking forward to throwing an elegant party. It is the Christmas/holiday season and I know that people have a lot of commitments, so we decided the best thing to do was to have an open house party, starting a 5pm and continuing late into the night, thinking people who have other commitments could stop by and have a bite & a cocktail, friends with small children could come earlier and still get their kids in bed on time, and our late night reveler friends could stay late into the night. The invite was sent out weeks ago, and although I did not request for people to RSVP, most called or emailed to say how they were looking forward to the party. Only two people let us know that they would be out of town. So I planned on a certain number of people, with food trays set up in my fridge to just pop in the oven throughout the evening so everyone, regardless what time they arrive, would have some fresh, hot hors d’oeurves. So the party was planned for Saturday. Well, around 6pm Friday night we started to receive phone calls from people saying that they’re sorry but won’t be able to make it. Then on Saturday late afternoon, we received a few more calls. Then some people called after 5 , saying they were running late, but on their way. Now as I mentioned, this is a new home for us, and the first time most of our friends would be coming over , so the people who called saying they were on their way really upset me, because after an hour or so, we actually called them back to see if they were lost. But it turns out they weren’t coming after all.
We had a wonderful time with the guests that did come, and loved having them over. And I appreciate the couple who let us know in advance that they would not be able to make it.. even the ones who called late on Friday night. But I am, well, offended & upset at those who, as recent as Thursday said ’see you Saturday’ and were no-shows, as well as the people who called on Sat to say they were on their way and then never showed up afterall.
I’m trying to look at this as a learning experience – I learned how to cook a bunch of new things that I served, I like how I set & decorated my home for the party, I’ve learned that there are certain people who have been removed from my list of guests for future events and that I will only host dinner parties with mailed invitations requiring an RSVP from now on.
For the woman that complained that RSVPs are getting out of control, I would say that they help for planning and also offer people a perfectly acceptable way of saying they will not be in attendance.
I would have found nothing wrong with people telling us outright that they would not be coming. To be led on, ’see you tomorrow’ ‘looking so forward to your party’ ‘what can i bring’ , and then not show up has in fact damaged what I thought were friendships… not my best friends, not my closest friends, but friends. Now I regard those no-shows as merely acquaintances.
It sounds to me like you did everything right. You were completely flexible the make things convenient for your guests. You had a plan for staging the food. It’s really too bad that people don’t take a moment to put themselves in their hosts’ shoes before deciding to blow off a party at the last minute. I’m glad you were able to take away something positive from this experience.